Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
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7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.