Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
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Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.