You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
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me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.