weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
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I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…