One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
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ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
What personal space?
My dog
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”