[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
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*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Seems a bit forward
Always a metermaid never a meter
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please