CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
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I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me