A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
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Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
dutch so unserious
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it