Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
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My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Great Canadian literature.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
can I use a minion as a tampon
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.