I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
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My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.