“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
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I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Thursday
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle