Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
You Might Also Like
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Swedish for common sense.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims