Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
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I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.