When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
They’re really bad with fonts.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
🥶🥶🐶🐶
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby