“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
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Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Genius idea!!
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names