The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
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Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Trying
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad