Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
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Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Challenge accepted.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion