*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
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God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I need to get some bricks…
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”