How much for the goth pool noodles?
You Might Also Like
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[eulogy]
line?