My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?