Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
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Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.