Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
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My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?