Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
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I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war