[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
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The honesty is refreshing
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
me: I鈥檇 wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that鈥檚 some bullshit right there
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I鈥檓 fifteen
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 馃槶馃槀馃槶馃槀
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor鈥檚 fence*
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*