My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
You Might Also Like
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise