Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
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ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
What the dentist sees
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.