Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
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I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points