The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
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I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.