[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
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I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Check out the legs on this baby
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*