My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
back to work
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.