Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
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Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.