[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
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A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.