[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
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Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Ummm
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼