My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
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– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids