My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
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God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.