A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
You Might Also Like
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Me: 馃幎 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”馃幎
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 馃幎 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”馃幎
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn鈥檛 even running.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today鈥檚 parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
When you鈥檙e Kinky but poor
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I 鉂わ笍 my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Me: I can鈥檛 wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.