The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
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My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My inexpensive home security system…
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.