You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
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14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
lmao
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
this isn’t threatening at all
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.