Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
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*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.