The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
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My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms