[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
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me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
mom had nothing to worry about
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.