Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
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Liquor Store Parking
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.