Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
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[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
opening twitter today
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.