[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
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Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist