ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
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Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.