NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
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website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
fair
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done