I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
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My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
A wise man once said nothing.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?