I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
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Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Children of the corn 🌽
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one