4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
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My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Lmfao
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.