If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
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My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Hey i am sexy to you now
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch